Too Fat to Fish

By Artie Lange

Outrageous, uncooked, and painfully humorous precise tales instantly from the lifetime of the actor, comic, and much-loved forged member of The Howard Stern Show—with a foreword via Howard Stern.

When Artie Lange joined the everlasting solid of The Howard Stern Show in 2001, it used to be very likely the best factor ever to take place within the Stern universe, moment merely to the show’s movement to the wild, uncensored frontier of satellite tv for pc radio. Lange supplied what Stern had but to discover all within the comparable position: a wit quickly sufficient to maintain speed along with his personal, a pathetic self-image to dwarf his personal, a private heritage either heartbreaking and hilarious, and an ingrained feel of self-sabotage that constantly retains issues fascinating.

A common storyteller with a bottomless pit of fabric, Lange grew up in a close-knit, working-class Italian family members in Union, New Jersey, a maniacal Yankees fan who pursued the 2 issues his father stated he used to be reduce out for—sports and comedy. Tragically, Artie Lange Sr. by no means observed the reality in that prediction: He turned a quadriplegic in an coincidence whilst Artie used to be eighteen and died quickly after. yet as with any trial in his existence, from his drug habit to his weight problems to his fights along with his mom, Artie mines the humor, pathos, and humanity in those occasions and turns them into comedy classics.

True fanatics of the Stern Show will locate Artie gold in those pages: hilarious stories that couldn’t have occurred to somebody else. There are tales from his days using a Jersey cab, operating as a longshoreman in Port Newark, and navigating the darkish circuit of stand-up comedy. There are outrageous episodes from the frenzied heights of his coked-up days at MADtv, strangely relocating tales from his adolescence, and an account of his contemporary U.S.O. journey that's both stirring and irreverent. but in addition during this quantity are tales Artie’s by no means informed sooner than, together with a few that he deemed too revealing for radio.

Wild, surprising, and drop-dead hilarious, Too fats to Fish is Artie Lange giving every little thing he’s received to provide. and prefer a real seasoned, the guy by no means disappoints.

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All of the Giants needed to do was once no longer lose via greater than 3 and a part issues for me to gather. We watched the sport at a bar, and in a shining instance of my shitty success that 12 months, it became out to be a grueling protecting conflict that the Giants misplaced, 7 to three. and also you comprehend what? I blame Joe Montana. That motherfucker is liable for me wasting extra fucking funds in my existence, that fucking ass-wipe. i will not stand gazing him interviewed even at the present time. Fuck him. So, besides, I misplaced $550 and that i had purely $80, and what spread out subsequent has turn into a vintage tale between my acquaintances. i used to be in that mind set that folks who've been at the skids comprehend good: It’s in the event you simply don’t provide a fuck in any respect and also you deal with occasions for you to be taking extra heavily as though they’re a shaggy dog story, since you quite don’t care what occurs to you. T O O fats T O F I S H ninety three � Too fats to Fish in case you think that approach, you’re really hoping for whatever or a person to determine for you, since you don’t supply a shit approximately doing something for your self. My nonchalance anxious my pal who needed to meet Bobo’s man. “Artie, what the fuck am I gonna inform this man? ” he stated. “Tell him I don’t have the money. It’s in contrast to you’ll be lying,” I acknowledged. “Are you severe? ” “Yeah. Can’t I paintings it off or anything? ” i used to be appearing like Bobo had a restaurant and that i may well do exactly dishes for a number of weeks to hide my dinner tab. It wasn’t too faraway from the reality after all: The intermediary who represented Bobo every one week really had a roofing enterprise, and while he met my good friend he got here up with an answer. “Yeah, inform your dumb fuck pal Artie that I’m operating six-day weeks up at this position in Clifton,” he stated. “I’ll provide that jerkoff 250 greenbacks each one week and he can paintings it off. ” I authorised and spent weeks roofing with this fucking man up in Clifton, in particularly shitty, late-fall climate. It used to be glamorous paintings, mountaineering my ass up and down a ladder on a roof with a steep pitch, sporting those huge, immense fucking luggage of shingles. Six days every one week, I labored a fourteen-hour day. i used to be looking forward to $250 per week, so I’d be even after weeks, but if I shook his hand that final day, he instructed me in a different way. “Well, thank you, guy, i actually take pleasure in it,” I stated. “We’re even, correct? ” “Even? ” he stated. “What the fuck are you speaking approximately, jerkoff? you continue to owe Bobo the fifty-dollar vig. ” That used to be the type of prick i used to be facing. I don’t understand who I borrowed it from, yet I got here up with the $50 vig after which i used to be even. after which, in a single of my infrequent rational judgements from that ninety four � Artie Lange Too fats to Fish interval, i really stopped playing for some time. i believe I made it via to the playoffs prior to attempting my hand back. meanwhile, I lived vicariously via some of my associates who attempted to get one over on Bobo by means of making a bet on hockey video games. those geniuses found out that the NHL held at some point video game every week, on Wednesday afternoons, whereas some other video game within the season was once performed at evening. Bobo didn’t pay a lot recognition to hockey, so one time, for a goof, they wager along with his intermediary on a video game that had already occurred.

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